Bad Dog! Really Bad Dog!
by Meatball
Summary: Sirius and Snape on assignment for Dumbledore...and the fur begins to fly. Silly, plotless foolishness...and for the record I do not condone animal abuse. Sirius abuse, now, that's another matter...


Title: Bad Dog! Really Bad Dog!  
Author: Meatball  
Rating: PG13  
Archive: Sure, feel free...  
Summary: Severus regrets a summer assignment from Dumbledore. This is just a silly little ficlet inspired by Riley's quote of "Padfoot, go fetch a stick or something." LOL  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. All I own is a rather overactive imagination.  
  
***  
  
  
"This is intolerable."  
  
"Well, I don't like it either, Snape, but at least you don't hear me whining about it." The speaker, Sirius Black, glared at Severus Snape from under his shoulder-length dark hair, with messy bangs. He was sitting on the small sofa in their tiny basement apartment that Albus Dumbledore had secured for them.  
  
The house was just across the street from the Dursleys', the family that Harry Potter lived with in the summertime. They had been keeping a low profile all summer, posing as an ordinary muggle tenant with a large, shaggy black dog. However, they were on assignment for Dumbledore, an assignment which they took very seriously, indeed. They were Harry's protectors.  
  
Harry didn't even know that they were there. He went upon his normal business...which, really, was hiding in his bedroom and avoiding the Dursleys as much as possible. His relatives despised him; a feeling that was mutual.   
  
After the events at Hogwart's during the last year, and the second rising of Lord Voldemort, Albus Dumbledore had decided that Harry needed a bit of extra protection this summer. However, he had also felt it best that Harry was unaware of such surveillance, as he tended to react negatively to such attention. In short, he would bolt.  
  
So here they were...handpicked by Dumbledore himself, set up in the small flat with all manner of magical devices necessary to keep an eye on the boy, and generally at each other's throats.  
  
Enemies since their school days, Snape and Sirius didn't get along much better now. For most of the summer, they had managed to keep from killing each other...just barely. Between old animosities and the boredom of uneventful surveillance, there was a storm brewing in that basement flat, a storm that would be quite spectacular once it erupted. For now, however...  
  
"He's putting on his sneakers, and a sweater...such a sweater. Where the hell do these people buy this child's clothes, anyway?" Snape was peering out the tiny window facing the Dursley house with a shiny new pair of seemorenoculars that were dented slightly on one side from colliding with Sirius' head during one heated argument.   
  
"So he's going out, then?"  
  
"No, Black, I'm sure he wears his shoes in the house. That cow of an aunt would just love scuff marks all over those damn floors that she polishes twice a day. Dolt."  
  
"Shut up, asshole. Let me see." Roughly, Sirius grabbed the seemorenoculars from an unresisting Snape, curling his lip in return to the icy glare sent his way. He squinted through the lenses. "Yes, you're right...he's going outside."  
  
Black sighed. As monotonous as the dreary little apartment was, he particularly despised pretending to be Severus's pet dog. The day he showed subservience to that anally retentive, sour-faced...  
  
"Keep an eye on him. I'll get my shoes on." Sirius glanced over at Snape, who was busy slipping on an expensive pair of dragon hide shoes, and a thigh-length black leather coat. He had to hand it to Snape, the man knew how to dress, and was quite striking in the stylish muggle clothes. Sirius looked down at his tattered grey robes a little sadly. It must be nice to be born rich, he thought.  
  
"Are you ready, Padfoot?"  
  
The endearing little name sounded odd coming from Snape, and Sirius chuckled a little as he handed the seemorenoculars to him. "In a minute." He quickly transformed into the large, cuddly black dog that was his trademark as an animagus. Swatting Snape with his thick tail, he strutted over to the basement door and paused, whining loudly.  
  
"Oh, shut up, you cur," muttered Snape as he opened the door. "Ouch! Stop biting my ankle! I'll have you neutered! AND spayed!" Scowling, Snape held the door so the dog could go ahead of him.  
  
***  
  
They covertly followed Harry for nearly half an hour, through winding streets. Surrey was a nice little place, Snape supposed. He much preferred his sprawling London townhouse, inherited from his parents years ago, but if he couldn't be there for the summer, then Surrey would do fine. That's what he kept telling himself. He was trying to forget that the werewolf and others were using his elegantly-furnished home as a temporary headquarters, on Dumbledore's orders. He made a mental note to count the silver the next time he was in London.   
  
"Ouch!" Furious, Snape kicked out with a foot, and connected with Padfoot's backside. "Stop stepping on my feet," he snarled, ignoring the small yelp. "One more time and I'll ... I'll..." He paused, and grinned at something he spotted on the ground. "Accio stick!," he said, a broken stick flying into his hand. "Here, chase this, fleabag." He tossed the stick ahead, and booted Sirius in the ass once more for good measure.  
  
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr," began Sirius in a low growl. His eyes narrowed. Suddenly he stopped.  
  
"What the...oh, I see." Harry had stopped at a small ice-cream parlour, and was placing an order. This summer, Dumbledore had insisted that Harry convert some galleons into muggle money, so that he would have some mad money if needed.  
  
"Let go, mutt," muttered Snape as Sirius latched onto Snape's expensive black wool pants, and tugged him towards an outdoor cafe just down the street a ways. "Yes, yes, I'm coming."  
  
Minutes later, they were sitting in the shade of a large tree at the outdoor cafe, Snape with an iced tea, and a bowl of water on the ground for Padfoot. He was appalled that the bowl of water had cost more than the iced tea. However, they had a perfect vantage point from which to observe Harry, unobserved themselves.  
  
"He's just eating ice cream, as far as I can tell," muttered Snape to Padfoot. He tried to ignore the noisy, ill-mannered slurping noises coming from the vicinity of the water bowl. "Good show. Kid needs more flesh on him."  
  
Sirius paused in his slurping to look up at Snape and nod agreement. Absently, Snape reached down and scratched Sirius behind the ears as he continued to spy on Potter. "Quite a large bowl of ice cream, actually...what? What is it?," he asked, as the dog whined. "You drank all your water, already? That stuff's expensive, you know!" He scowled as Sirius cocked his head and uttered a plaintive whine. "Oh, very well. Mongrel." He placed an order with the waitress for another exorbitantly-priced bottle of water, and sighed as she poured it into the dog's bowl.  
  
"Nice doggie, what a nice doggie," she cooed, scratching Padfoot's ears and pressing a quick kiss onto the dog's head. Sirius closed his eyes in pleasure, and she chuckled as she scratched an area on the dog's flank that caused his leg to thump up and down.  
  
"What are you doing?," asked Snape curiously. He wondered if Sirius was ill.   
  
"Oh, I've got a dog at home, and he loves this. Just scratch him here...see...and his leg will go like crazy. Mine just loves this." She giggled, and walked off to take another order. Perhaps it was just as well that she couldn't see the way Padfoot watched her go, ogling her short hemline and low neckline. The old dog.  
  
"Behave, cur," muttered Snape as he eyed Harry again. The boy was digging into his second bowl of ice cream -- the sight made Snape feel ill. He had never been one for sweets, himself. He looked back down at Sirius, who was just finishing the second bowl of water. "Take it easy on that stuff, you greedy thing. Wait..."  
  
Grinning a little, he reached down and scratched Sirius in the exact spot that the waitress had pointed out, and chuckled as his leg began to vibrate uncontrollably. "Tickles, does it?" He scratched even harder, as Sirius began to whine for mercy, mercy which Severus had no intention of dispensing. Black had been a royal pain in the ass for years, now, and he was determined to pay him back in any way he could.   
  
After a few moments, Snape tired of the torment, and returned his attention to Harry, who was still working on that enormous sundae. Suddenly he felt an odd pressure on his leg. "What are...PADFOOT! STOP!!"  
  
Padfoot had begun to hump Snape's leg. Snape was sure that he could see an evil grin on the dog's face.  
  
"Stop it! Stop it now, you damned mutt! Stop!!" With a huge shove, he knocked the dog aside, ignoring the shocked glares of the other patrons. "Sit the hell down and behave yourself, if you ever want another can of dog food...oh, look at the mess you've left on my pants...these were handmade, you know..."  
  
Scowling, he glanced back over at Harry's table, to note with dismay that the boy was readying to leave. "Let's go, he's ... Padfoot? Where the hell have you gone now...oh, no. Oh, oh no...you mangy, foul-smelling, useless piece of..."  
  
Snape snatched up his urine-dripping leather coat, gagging at the smell and cursing at the shaggy black dirtbag...  
  
"Come here," he hissed, advancing on the dog. Amusement was quickly replaced with apprehension at the look on Snape's face, which turned into downright alarm as Snape whipped his wand out of his coat pocket. "Come here, you misbegotten little..."  
  
"Yelp!" Sirius whined in pain, startled by the sharp sting on the wand on his backside. One look at Snape's face told him he'd better run. "Ralp!!" The supple wand made painful contact again, and he turned and ran like the devil. Glaring furiously, Snape stormed after him, keeping an eye on Harry all the while, thinking that Dumbledore definitely owed him for this. Oh, yes. Definitely.  
  
***  
The end!  



End file.
